I used to think of my psoriasis as an enemy. I was wrong. My body had formed the psoriasis to serve as a "release" or "overflow" valve to protect me from a build-up of unreleased fear. The psoriasis itself was never my enemy: my fear was the primary enemy. My body in effect created the psoriasis as a way to protect me from . . . me.
For many decades - since very early childhood - I had lived a fear-based life. In a nutshell, I believed (largely unconsciously):
*that the assistance and care of others was absolutely essential for my literal survival (that is, I would perish without it);
*that this essential assistance and care of others was not a "sure thing";
*that in fact, this essential assistance and care could and would be withdrawn if I angered the caregiver;
*that in order to increase my chances of survival, it was both an intelligent and necessary strategy to maximize the chances of receiving continuing assistance and care;
*that in order to increase my chances of survival, it was an intelligent and necessary strategy to do what I could to please caregivers and to absolutely avoid angering them;
*that my feelings, my wishes, my happiness, my expectations was of little or no concern to others: it was the feelings, wishes, happiness and expectations of others that was important (in fact, this one was do deeply ingrained in my psyche that I myself seldom gave my own happiness, etc. the slightest thought); and
*that the anger of others is very, very dangerous.
And because of these "ancient" - almost instinctual - beliefs and strategies, I was - probably by the age of about 3 years old - a die-hard people-pleaser on steroids, living in fear of the anger of others.
And although there were healthy and positive aspects to my belief system that developed as I naturally grew, matured and developed into an adult, this unhealthy, fear-based belief system was still there with me, operating behind the scenes, and triggering more and more fear over the years. So that by my early twenties, my internal "storage tank" of unreleased fear was so filled - and perhaps even overflowing - that my body took action to do what I would not - could not - do at the time: it created a physical valve or vent in my right palm through which the toxin of fear could be released.
In short, I believe my body actually created the psoriasis "for me" in my right palm (away from vital organs) to serve as a kind of "release valve" through which the excess toxic fear energy could be safely released and bring the remaining fear energy in my body down to a lower and safer level. (In fact, I believe that my body's intelligence may have intentionally chosen to use my right hand for this purpose to minimize inconvenience to me as I am left-handed.)
And so, I cannot think of my psoriasis as having been an enemy to be defeated. For me, it will always be my long-misunderstood, unappreciated, and unfailingly devoted protector. And . . . friend.
When I understood what my psoriasis really was, and what my poor body had done to itself to protect me, I wept.
And for the first time in my life, I understood both in my heart and mind that my body had loved me. And worked tirelessly to protect me. All along. For so long. And with precious little care, attention or thanks from me.
And all that fear. And loneliness . . . all that sadness. All that working for decade after decade in dread of losing the breadcrumbs that had passed for love in my family. All that believing that my happiness did not matter to others or even to myself. And real love . . . unconditional love . . . had actually been right there with me all the time. I had never been alone and unloved. . . I just had never seen it . . .
And then I wept some more.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT (I'm looking at you, brilliant medical research types):
Might it be - that in some cases - psoriasis, as well as certain tumors and cysts - may have been formed defensively by the body to serve as protective receptacles for an overflow or buildup of certain toxic emotions (such as longstanding fear, grief or anger) that may have reached a potentially dangerous level in the body?
